A guy comes to work speaking in a
really hoarse voice.
His buddy asks him what happened to his voice. He relates
that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into a pasture. However, he thought he
could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As
he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the back end of the cow.
He lifted up the cows tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like
Thats when she hit him in the throat with a 5 iron.
A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home
several hours late. His wife asks,"What took you so long?"
He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On
the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!"
Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for
The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of
'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'"
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and
the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys
and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he
said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead
of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the
first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant
interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a
lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a
squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and
caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the
green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the
men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help.
I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow
me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a
few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She
then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied:
"It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 Iron".
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9
Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!, he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and
Boom!, Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man played the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to
Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the
golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom!, tons of cash comes sliding back across
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to
the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the
side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge lump on his head and the golfball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught
me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just
glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart , the
leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to
do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money,
a great golf game and a great sex life."
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same
course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his
ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the
leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every
time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every
time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note." The leprechaun
smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?"
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe
once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says,
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a
business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the
meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his
impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked
her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you
are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached
her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He
finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end
of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a
sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a
drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in
sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I
said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied,
"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting
in a corner wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the
rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too.
Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that
every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and
lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.
I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like
yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"