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Email Jokes Archive 2

www.minnelli.com

Email Joke Archive #2

Oops 

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

The Cure 

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting, because they don’t smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor", she says, "I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

Marriage

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jai for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!"

Marriage

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts," Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light. Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "Fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for about an hour. He starts to feel guilty about he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to so all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She said,"Bake a cake. Does it look like I have Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Red Neck 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

Copyright 2004 J. Kevin Minnelli. All rights reserved.
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