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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Click for Answer

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Why men should NOT offer advice, even when asked

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the  mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take? "she asks.

"They’ll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?," she asks.

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?"

Power of Suggestion    

Walking to work one day, a lady passes a pet shop where a parrot is sitting on a perch outside. The parrot takes one look at her and says: "Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one one fat ugly bitch!" Well, you can imagine her reaction. She turns and storms away.

Coming home from work that day, she passes the parrot, who instantly recognizes her. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey! You are one fat ugly bitch!" She absolutely cannot believe this, but she controls her temper and heads home.

The next day, same thing- but twice as loud. "Awwwwwk! Hey! You are one fat ugly bitch!" the parrot says. Other pedestrians stop in shock and stare at the woman, who is mortified.

Unable to take it any more, she throws open the door to the pet store, charges up to the manager, and threatens to sue the store and kill the bird if he doesn’t get the parrot to cut it out. The manager apologizes profusely and promises to have a talk with the bird.

The next day, she is walking to work when she sees the bird in its usual spot. "Awwwwwk!" it says. "Hey lady!"

She pauses and scowls at the bird and yells: "What!?!"

The bird smiles and winks at her. "You know."

Revenge  

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said,   "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes, would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head"

Thongs --  Click Here!!!     

A must see picture!!!

Important Business Study -- thanks Sap   

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on corporate America recreation preferences:

The Sport of choice for:

Maintenance Level Employees: bowling

Front Line Workers: football

Supervisors: baseball

Middle Management: tennis

Corporate Officers: golf

CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls!!!

Useless Inventions  

A Pedal powered wheelchair
A black highlighter pen
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Non stick Cellotape
Solar Powered Flash Light
Waterproof sponge
Waterproof Teabags
Inflatable Anchor
Inflatable Dartboard
Seatbelts for Motorbikes
Silent Alarm Clock
AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
Battery powered Battery Charger
Braille Drivers Manual
Double sided playing cards
Ejector seats for Helicopters
Fireproof Matches
Fireproof Cigarettes
Smooth Sandpaper
Hand powered Chainsaw
Water-proof towel
Screen doors for submarines
A book on how to read
A dictionary index
Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
Powdered water
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alcohol
Reusable ice cubes
See-through toilet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do-it-yourself road map
Turnip ice cream
Toe implants

ALERT!!!  ALERT!!! Look Out for the Following Viruses!!!  ALERT!!!    ALERT!!!       

Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails  everyone about what it did.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus:  Disks can no longer be inserted.
Titanic Virus (A Strain Of The Lewinsky Virus):  Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:  Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus:  Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Rules that Men wished Women knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you.Live with it.
6. Saturday = Football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless youare prepared to discuss such topics as navel fluff, Christmas Tree formation and carburetors.
8. Shopping is not a sport.
9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. You have enough clothes.
11. You have too many shoes.
12. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don'twork.
13. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will.Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
14. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometime.
15. Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty would look good with your dress?
16. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.
17. A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.
18. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
19. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
20. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
21. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant theother one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at otherwomen, how can we know how pretty you are?
23. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
24. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
25. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, neither do we.

Racist

Q: How does every racist joke begin?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Just a few thoughts for 2004....by Steven Wright 

  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE!
  • If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
  • Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • How come abbreviated is such a long word?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Divorce Lawyer 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Lawyer 

Q. What happens if you give a lawyer Viagra ?

A. He gets taller

Golf Accident 

A guy comes to work speaking in a really hoarse voice.

His buddy asks him what happened to his voice. He relates that he was playing golf, and sliced out of bounds into a pasture. However, he thought he could find his ball and went to look for it. He saw a woman looking for her ball, too. As he passed a cow, he noticed that there was a golf ball stock in the back end of the cow. He lifted up the cow’s tail and called out, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?"

That’s when she hit him in the throat with a 5 iron.

Ed Zachary Disease 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her MD recommended that she go see Dr.Chang, the well-known sex therapist.

So,she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off allyou crose."

So she did."Now, get down and crawl reery fass to other side of loom."

So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass back to me."

So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vely bad, youhaf EdZachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex ordates.

"Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


 

   

 

 

Copyright 2004 J. Kevin Minnelli. All rights reserved.
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